i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
