I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
