Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
