bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Can Purell be used as lube?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
