i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
