You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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