he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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