Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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