The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
