Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
