Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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