It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I have so many feelings about this burrito
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
