Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
