I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Randomize
