you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
