Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
