Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
