also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
