So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
