Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
