Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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