They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
