This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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