Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
