Nicole vs. Life
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i will never coherently bang her
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
