remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
