so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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