I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
