Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
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You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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