Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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