What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
