apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
