k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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