yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
