he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize