I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
