he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
