I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
