I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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