So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
