I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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