I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
