You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
