If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
