No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
