can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
