ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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