You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
