my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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