Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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