tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
