When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch