My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
