The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Ladies don't puke and tell
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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