Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
