You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
