SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
