see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
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What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
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His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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