Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
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Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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